My grandfather once said that my mother goes through a store like a thief leaving one. That was me today. I bought from petites, women’s, and regular sections. That store KNOWS it’s been shopped.

I went shopping today because I’m going on a trip and most of my clothes no longer fit me. My maternity clothes are too big, including the shoes I wore. Pre-pregnancy clothes are too small for me, including the shoes.

I didn't have a lot of time, so I pillaged a department store instead of looking for bargains. I’m not sure where I would go for bargains in bulk in “my size”. It’s not just that I’m a bad shopper. As an Extra Large Petite Long with belly issues, I really do need an entire department store to find what I need.

Here’s me.

• Large size: I’m relatively tall, and I've never been smaller than a size 10 in my adult life. I have averaged a 12. Not Abercrombie’s target audience, but that’s ok: Just keep putting up those pictures of half-naked men and hush.

• Big Belly: I've had 2 kids in the last 3 years. So now I’m a 14-16/XL. Mostly due to the belly, whose skin elasticity is now minimal.

• Muffin Top: It's not that I wear too-small clothes. If the waistband so much as touches the waist, the belly puffs over it like undercooked bread dough.

• Long legs: Regular pants are often too short. I need “longs”.

• Long arms: Regular shirts often don’t hit the wrists. ¾ sleeves hit the elbow.

• Short-Waisted: Regular shirts sit funny on the waist and puff out in the back. Petites fit nicely, if they are not long-sleeved. Because of the long arms.

I can’t help but think that I just described an orangutan.

Now I need shoes. Size 11.